Gerko's Weblog

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Oi ! Nutter !

I'm currently writing some entries down it notepad, and it's getting awfully long and highly incoherent. I'm in a tired and kind-of-silly mood, and I have parts written down that need a lot of text in between, explanations ... and I don't think I'll have time to do it all, because, as I said, I'm tired, and I'm a slow writer ... Or maybe I'm just lazy and I'm writing this instead of working on the actual entries just so my subconscious can have an excuse for postponing it yet another day...

Madness !

Which makes me think that there should be a procastrination song. You know, like "Tomorrow, Tomorrow. There's always tomorrow". Maybe 'we' (the procastinator community) should adapt an' adopt it as our theme song. ... Then again, it might take a while before that happens. We are notorious for putting things off, you know ...

Anyway, this one scrabble is getting long enough to become an actual entry instead of some 'excuse filler' (even though that's still what it is) I'll go write a few more standalone paragraphs in my nice notepad window, and then tomorrow I'll see if I can connect 'em somewhat. Just hope I won't be skipping important stuff.

G'night, people. (Well, I'd better go soon. If I manage to post another entry tonight, it means I did something stupid and missed a chance at salvaging some sleeping rythem I lost a long time ago..)

Thursday, November 28, 2002

Updated some links, and blogger is still being an ass with updates...
Hrmmmm ... Today, I got up from bed at around 5 pm .. no good. *groan* ... had a pretty bad headache earlier, but it's better now. Still not completely free from it, though... ... meh, mostly just writing this entry so I can check blogger's updating stuff ... not all that much to tell otherwise, I think ... or at least not in the mood.

Monday, November 25, 2002

Hum ... Today would've been Elise and Huib's 1-year anniversary, if they hadn't broken up some months ago. I wonder if they even noticed, Elise didn't bring it up in last night's conversation. Egh, oh well. I really don't think there's that much to say about it. Just that next week last year was a very weird one for me. (Happy-depressed-whatever. Crazy) Oh well ...

... I remember writing about their half-year anniversary. DANG ! I have this weblog for over half a year already !? ... Whoa ... Time sure flies.

Gerko stays up all night playing Metroid - twice

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Nope, still not feeling any better. ... Worse, even. ... *grmbls* ... bleagh. I'm all irritable and stuff. And I've still been unable to wake up at any normal time. Also, I'm cold. Might have a temperature or whatever ...

~sigh~

Oh well ... I'm just tired ...

Friday, November 08, 2002

Bleagh ....

A whole week of doing nothing, with about the most horrible sleeping schedule imaginable. (Although I guess Doug still has me beaten every now and then)
To make it worse, just now that I was planning to set it all straight again, I caught a cold. A bad one ...

Aaaaaaaaargh !

~sigh~ ... Oh well, all I really need to do is just shut up and do something ...
but I'm not ... =/

Friday, November 01, 2002

*yawns* ... it's late.

Gonna hit the sack in a minute or so, just wanted to let you know I care about you. I really do. All of you.
Heh. Maybe a bit too much, even. Gotta learn to carry myself first.

*smiles*

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

I've been increadibly clumsy the last half hour or so ...

Mom called ... but was too late in picking it up. Called back, first dailed the wrong number (got a 'not available' tone), then, when I had my mom on the phone, dropped the thing on the ground. Little while later I opened a soda water bottle and sprayed it's contents all over my desk. A procedure I repeated about three minutes later. Another little while later I had to call mom back again, and again, I dropped the phone out of my hands ...

Clumsy Gerko !

Monday, October 28, 2002

*yawns*

It's cold. And I'm tired. I guess I'll go hit the sack soon. ... But first I'll continue on my last entry. Because I did a bit more that Saturday. I finished Super Mario Sunshine for the first time later that day, with 100/120 'Shines'. ('Shines' being the star-like thingies you have to collect in order to open up new levels and whatnot) It was fun. Guess I'll try to get to rack up a few more the following weekends. (Gamecube's at home-home) ... I still ownz0r my brothers at Mario. I had to make way for some FPS'es, but I still owz0r 'em at about any other game. Oh, well, aside from some RTS'es for the PC. Don't play those that much anymore. And they do.

That evening, I watched Fight Club on TV. I guess it was good. Bit weird, though. Had to explain the plot-twist near the end of the movie 2 times to my brother before he understood what it was about (or was too afraid to ask me to explain it again). Kind of a deep movie, but the very end was lame. Taped another movie, For Roseanna, which I watched sunday early afternoon. I really liked that movie ... Hmmmmmm ... *sniffles* ... It's been taped over again, though, 'cos my brother (Sheesh, he pops up a lot in today's entries, doesn't he ?) wanted to tape The Jackal. I guess I'll go see that one when I get home-home again. I think mom wanted me home-home wednesday ...

Oh yeah, my day at work today. Hum ... well, as I said before, the network is up and running now. Today I gave a go at getting the various programs I need to update/upgrade/up-whatever together on one PC. Not without difficulty. The latest version of the program isn't avialable on the net at the moment, but we have it laying around somewhere in the 'installed' form, but with an out-dated database. The latest update file needs a password to unzip, and the PC (not connected to the network) that's currently running the in-use version of the programs runs solely on DOS, and keeps eating my 1.44Mb disks. Gah ! ... problems, problems, problems. This is going to take a while.

Oh, looky, another written-in-the-train-entry. This time I'm heading home from work. "Home" being Vlissingen//Flushing, not home-home // 's-Gravenpolder. As I'm writing this, I have no idea wether or not they counted on me for dinner. I hope they did, but it wouldn't be disasterous otherwise. Can always pop a packet of noodles or whatever.

Anyway, Gerko's been a Good-Boy™. Well, Saturday, anyway. Got up early enough to be at work at 10:00, to get that network-thing installed. It works now. After that, I headed into town to get that much-needed haircut. It was too long, but I'm guessing it might be a little too short now. *shrugs* ... Oh well, it'll grow back. *g*
Then, I looked around in some stores to see if they had Timesplitters 2 for the Gamecube. I have no idea what the game's about, but my brother said it was good, and that he wants, no, needs it. So, I looked, but it wasn't out yet.
I dropped by at Pearl, too. Not sure if it's an international branch or whatever, but they do glasses. You know, the kind you put in front of your eyes and lets you see the world again ? It was pretty much an unplanned visit. (Oooh, Gerko was being impulsive !) And I got my eyes measured. 'Cos I need some new glasses. Stronger ones. I knew that. The people at Pearl know that now, too. But my current pair of glasses (Which for some dubious reasons had an odd-placed bi-focal piece, ) confused the poor folks, since I don't need that bi-focal part to see things sharply up close. They're still confused, despite my elaborate speech, explaining the how and why of the object. (" ... I .. uh, don't really remember... Had something to do with ... stuff ... *mumble* ... don't wear 'em that often ... *mumble* ... less strain ... *mumble* ... Yes, for my headache, but it didn't help for that ... *mumble* ), so now they want me to come back some time this week at about 9:00 to measure my eyes in the morning. I'm skeptical as to how that would clear anything up, but ... Oh well.

So anyway, I did stuff. More to come later tonight, 'cos the train's almost at the station.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

And again, I've been slacking. Bad Gerko ...
Hum ... nothing too interesting to tell, though, so I'll summarize some points.

• Super Mario Sunshine : for the Nintendo Gamecube. It's fun, I suppose ... SM64 was better, though. But I like it anyway ... hrmmm ... If I'm bored and feel like writing some time later, I'll write a mini-review or something.


• Work : I've been staying home a lot ... There's currently nothing to do at work, so I guess it's legimate. At least somewhat. I plan to go again tomorrow though, and saturday, in any case. Saturday they're going to install that network that I need before I can continue the stuff I'm supposed to do, so my problem of "not being able to do anything" should be over soon. That's good, means I don't have an excuse anymore.


• Ghost in the Shell : Pretty famous anime-film, I believe. Saw it (for the first time) last night. It's good, but I guess I wasn't really in the mood. It didn't really stir me as much as it could or should have. Wasn't much ... 'new' stuff for me, I'd gone over most of the subjects already, and somehow it didn't intrigue me that much. I blame it on myself though, because it is good. Very. ... Well, except for the dubbing/subbing. Borrowed the Dutch DVD version of it. With optional Japanese or English Audio, and Dutch subbing. The English dubbing wasn't too great. Sounded a bit cheesy, and the japanese sounded just a lot more 'round' with the rest of the visuals and background noise. However, it's nothing compared to the horrible dutch subtitles. Half-assed translations ("It's illegal to move programmers out of the country", subtitled as "It's illegal to run programs") and sometimes even skipped whole sentences. So for the most of it, I did it with English Audio, and no subbing. I wish the darn thing had a "Japanese Audio, English Subtitles" option, but it didn't ... Oh well ... Good anime.


• This Entry : I'm currently writing it in the train, heading home-home, in some notebook I made for rants. Handwriting was OK for a while, then the train started moving... oops.


• Elise : Had her initiation for some sub-group at her university-group-thingie last week. (sorry for my inability to translate) ... It was pretty rough on her, but she made it. Good girl :)


• June : Going through some swings at the moment. I'd feel bad if I'd simply label it "puberty", but I guess it's somewhat accurate. Also, she's being harassed on her blog by some anonymous replier. She felt pretty good today, though. Hope she keeps it up. ... Also, I've been calling her a bit more often. Maybe I should stop doing that. *thinks of phonebill*


• Doug : Hurray ! he more-or-less finished some flash animation in which you can kill your's truly in multiple gruesome ways ! Go Doug ! Kill Gerko ... Also, he's working on some new lenghty movie. it's going to rox0r !


• Myself : A bit down due to the not-doing-anything stuff again ... been getting out of bed too late. Also, I deperatly need a haircut again.
  

Saturday, October 12, 2002

And so I once more fulfilled my "Gerko does something out of the ordinary on friday"-thing ...

Not really sure where to start. Well, I guess I'll start with waking up today. I got called out of bed by a real-life™ friend, asking wether I was coming to another real-life™ friend's birthday this evening. And I had forgotten. Not in an "Oh, shit, yeah" way, because I know myself well enough for that. I'm horrible with remembering birthdays, and even worse at keeping track of 'em. (Elise's was the exception, but only for this year) They just don't stick to my conscious mind. Maybe I should keep an agenda and write all that stuff down there. Maybe. Anyway, I told him "sure", and that was about it. ...

I had set my alarm clock for 10:00, but overslept it untill my friend called around 2:00 pm. I'm not too pissed about getting up too late today, because I didn't go to bed untill about 5:30 am last night. I remember hearing the 6:00 'beep' on my watch, and I guess I fell asleep shortly after that.

... Looks like I'm going to write this thing down backwards. That's ok, though ...

What kept me up so late ? A phone call I made. To the USA. A phone call that lasted almost two hours. I'm not sure if I mentioned him before on my blog, but Brian Black (may have mentioned him as 'Locke Taelos' before) is one of my best on-line™ friends. He came on-line at around 2:45 am, at which point I was making fast plans of hitting the sack, but since it was this guy, and I hadn't spoken to him for a while already, I decided I could stall it for another couple of minutes. He directed me to some link for me to read, but since the DNS had blown out of the server (again), I couldn't display the page. After some trying, he sent me a copy/pasted version of it.

~sigh~ ... Well ... Someone close to him died earlier that week. Unexpected, and right in front of him. A father-figure to him, someone he really cared about, and the guy just collapsed right in front him, while talking.

And I can't help myself but imagining parts of it. And I can't help but being shocked about it. So I called, guessing it'd be a bit more personal than just text messages to and fro. The call lasted from 3:21 till 5:16. We talked about various things, though. Not just the guy's death. I'm certain the call was worth it. And, as I said earlier, as long as it doesn't become a habit, I can take a 'large' international call every now and then.

( After that, I made a quicky phone call to June (in Malaysia) to more-or-less apologize for not being that talkative on MSN. Just to let her know I wasn't mad at her or anything. )

Now I'm also a bit ... interested ? in the events that, for me, lead up to this. How I came to be still on-line at 2:45 am, even though I hadn't been feeling too well that day and was planning on going to bed a bit early ... How I just days ago noticed that phone calls to the US were low charge. How my personal ideas and feelings regarding 'death' ('random' but also just in general) had spinned through my head the last week. It seems like it all those little things converged last night. And ... I guess it's small things like these mild occurences that just make the existance of 'fate' just that one bit more plausible ... at least for me. I don't know, but it felt a bit set up ... *shrugs*

Anyway, guess I'm still a bit shocked.

Haven't eaten anything yet. Guess I'll pop a packet of crackers on my way to the supermarket to buy some real food ...

Friday, October 11, 2002

Updated some of the links on the left ... not sure if I like the look of it now ... might change it some more later.

Bored ... Wondering what to do tonight. I should start roleplaying again, I know, but I'm not really in the mood, I think ... There's some stuff on TV, but I'm not sure if I feel like watching that, either ... Hum ... And I'm still feeling a bit queasy. And down, and whatnot. Bleagh...

Continued reading "Toen Nora nog sprak met dolfijnen" again about an hour ago. Just finished it ... *sniffles*
Nice book ...

Still not feeling too great. Even a bit worse. Not sure why. Maybe because I didn't get up untill 1 pm again. Maybe because I didn't go to work. Maybe because a lot of people I know aren't feeling too great either and I'm sucking it all up ? I tend to do that, at times. ... *yawns* ... and I'm still tired. Winamp's playing in the background, but that's what it remains, a background noise. Bleagh .... just not having my day, I guess.

Oh, and I have to go clean something in the house today, and probably make dinner, too, since I'm quite horribly behind on schedule for that one. Oh well ... all I want now is something ( a shoulder ? ) to lay my head on for a while. .... ~sigh~

Meh, I'll be fine.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Hum .... not feeling too great today. ... A bit down. Mostly just tired, I guess ... And I need a shower...

... In other news, I'm really, really starting to like the phone company. Not only are it's rates for Malaysia quite reasonable, it seems like it's rates for the USA are even less. For just 7¢ per minute, I can call all around the USA. Except for a couple of places, where it's just 5¢ ... seems like a sweet a deal ... Thank You, KPN (KPN being the phone company)

Well, third day at work.

And I was actually on time today. (9 am) Didn't use my time too efficiently, though, so far. Dad left last night, and won't be back for another 2 or 3 weeks. Not going to make it a long day today, don't really feel like it. Stayed here till about 8:30 pm yesterday. So ... *shrugs* Anyway, there's a couple of small things to take care off today, and then I suppose it's time for me to start working on that more-or-less major database updating. ~sigh~ Oh well ... Gonna go throw some stuff in the mail soonish, and pick up 'something' at the bank. Some papers, I believe. They called, and I believe my dad was supposed to pick 'em up 4 days ago already, but, being him, he hadn't yet. So I guess I'm stuck with it now. Not that I know what to do with it, but ... Oh well, maybe someone else does. Will ask around, I guess. *yawns* ... I'm not used to getting up early and do stuff in the morning.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

[writer's note : I actually finished writing this before the previous entry. Was originally to be put in the same entry, but just decided that it'd look better as a seperate one]

One other thing, though ... I made a promise to myself, and now to everyone who reads this or whatever. And to Elise in particular, ofcourse.

I will not take anything back.

It was real love. Genuine. I don't care how much it might seem like it wasn't. Or how appealing the option might look for me, I'm not going to delude myself and change history because it'd hurt less or whatever.

A lot of people do that. When a relationship, or interest in someone ends, they tell themselves (and the world) that it wasn't real. That he or she had been stupid, believing that it was love, while it wasn't. That they'd been deluding themselves all that time ... "It didn't work out, so it couldn't have been real". Covering up the past to make way for the future. ...

I promise I won't do that. It was real. And I'm not going to deny that. I am not giving up those 9 years. Strange how I'm writing it in past tense. Because ... for me to really stop loving her ? ... Doubtfull ... Some of it will always remain. Even if it's just the memory. She will remain one the persons I love. Untill I die, and, if such a thing is possible, beyond that.
...

( Heh, weird thing. I actually have teary eyes now while I'm writing this. Still no waterfall, but they're tears anyway. Guess I did bottle some emotions about it up ... Guess I could also blame the music playing on the background, ("I've got dreams to remember" by Otis Redding, I believe) which randomly decided to pop up on my playlist, and is, in part, spookily accurate at the moment. )

I won't take any of it back.

I could've written pages about this. Or would have. But I didn't. And I can't. And, sadly enough, I probably won't. It'll most likely vanish into some list of "things I have to do someday, but won't". This subject, is, mostly, that one big one that's been keeping me from updating. Writing anything down and feeling guilty for not writing down this one. There's a couple of more subjects that deserve attention, but this one ...

And yes, it's about Elise. Perhaps for the last time ... Well, probably not. But anyway ... I've given up on her. I let go of my last grasps of hope of ever getting together, and decided to move on. To let go of my love for her. Or, to put it a bit differently, change her 'status' from "The person I love" to "A person I love".

And yeah, this is a horribly shortened version. It's about the most basic summary, and the subject really doesn't deserve that. But I don't think I can elaborate that much on it for now. Not because it hurts too much. I'm actually doing pretty fine. It really doesn't hurt that much at all. I let go, and that was about it. Thing I think the reason why I'm having so much problems with writing this one down, is because I've gone over it all already. It went through my head, a lot ... and well, that's about it. Which could lead you to wonder why writing down how I love her didn't .... Maybe because it was, somewhat of an unquenchable, unsatiable thing. Not sure. That kept going through me head, too, but it wouldn't end.

But this ... it's a closure of things. I went over it with my thoughts, talked to various people about it (online only, though) ... and somehow ... it stopped. It was over. I let go of the subject, and it's hard to bring it all back and put into text. There's too much to say about it, and yet I don't have quite the same urge to actually say it. It's already been said, although not publically.

...

To make it really, really short :

For really the first time in my life, I am now officially single.

That means a lot, but I'm not really quite sure how/what.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Update on the phone call to Malaysia : I got my phone bill ...

Type		amount		hr:min:sec	cost



Local		  12		0:49:49		€ 1.44

International	   1		0:09:22		€ 3.86

Mobile		  39		0:08:47		€ 3.63

					---------------

				TOTAL	:	€ 8.93

				TAX(19%)	:	€ 1.70

Well, here I go again ...
Not too happy with myself today, stayed in bed waaaaay too long.

*pffffffft*

Anyway, I'm not quite yet busy with updating on whatever's going on in my life, 'cos it's quite a bit and ... bleagh, I'm still not in mood to write it all down.

Anyway, I quit college. It's done, over, finito. Might start something up for the 2003/2004 school year again, but I don't have a clue as to what or where. My dad offered me a (temporary) job at his business, thinking I'm all computer savvy (Ok, I admit, I know how to handle 'em, but I'm not a PC Whiz Kid, by far) and asks me to update some databases and all ... Could take a month or so, not really sure. If I had been a PC Whiz Kid, I'd probably be able to find some way to update those databases automatically. But I'm not, so I'll have to do it by hand. ...

This should be a 9 to 3 job or whatever. Yesterday was my first day, and I set up some things, made myself a nice cozy user profile on the PC, ignored the porn my dad had stuffed on it, did some misc. stuff. (such as lunch and wasting company time chatting to some people on-line) As for 'officially productive' thingies, all I did was re-arrange and update some list with sizes. Originally, some guy had just entered it all in WordPad, using standard fonts and attempting to line up columns using spaces ... wasted about 1 or 2 hours trying out different ways to get it into some nice format, since the guy who originally made that list had done it in about the most ineffecient way possible. Then thought of another way to structure the thing and had the list ordered and ready for updates in 10 minutes. Updating it took about half an hour or so, and then I spent some time getting the printer to work, replacing cables and screwing 'em fast and loose ... On overall, it was rather boring, but not too bad. And I'm getting paid for it, too ... Even though I'm not quite sure what, yet. Have to talk to my dad about that. Anyway, today was supposed to be my second day, but I had some serious problems waking up, so I didn't show up. Wasn't too much of a problem, since my dad hadn't woken up till 2 pm either. Guess it's no mystery where I got my f'ed up sleeping schedule from. I should also be looking for some other jobs, I guess. Even though I guess this one could last for a while, it's not all that interesting, and it's not going to last the 6 months or so that I plan to
Besides, I'm supposed to learn stuff and going out and seeing a bit more and doing 'whatever' so I can find out what I do like doing. And I guess trying out a couple of different jobs should be part of that ... I'm also going to have to learn how to handle money. 'cos I need to pay the rent of my student-home-place-thingie.

Speaking of which, I don't really know how long I'll be able to stay here, since I'm no student anymore. If I'm really going to start again in about 10 months, I might not have to leave at all, but I'm not even sure if I want to stay here. Not that I don't like this place. Far from it. But I'm currently still clueless as to what or where I would go to on some new study, and if it's not at this college, I might be better off moving someplace closer. Also, I'm planning to make a couple-of-months trip to the USA in some time. But I guess I'll write more about that later ... (mostly just some pre-sketches. Only an idea for now, mostly.)

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

*groan*

My head hurts ... and pretty bad, too ... been a while since it's been this bad ... *grmbls* ... Oh well ... going to watch a movie downstairs now ...

*pfffffft*

Monday, September 30, 2002

Well .. hum ... today ...
's more or less final now ... I'm dropping out of college. At least for this school year. Might pick up my studies again after the summer holiday, but now I'm on a definate break from my studies ... Going to finish it all down this week ... Hum ... I wonder how long I'll be able to stay in my student-home now, not being a student anymore ...

Now, this isn't going to be a vacation ... I'm going to have to do more than what I've been doing the last couple of years ... Just not school-related ... Oh well .. will elaborate on this soonish, I hope ... got a lot of other stuff to write about, too ...

But first, I'm going to prepare dinner ... Spaghetti for ... 5, I think ...

Sunday, September 29, 2002

I'm having some serious problems with getting out of bed lately ... Hum .. waking up isn't the problem, but getting out of bed is, for some reason. Maybe because I'm generally down and don't want to start the day. Don't want to 'live', as it were ... Bleagh ... Oh well ...

Thursday, September 26, 2002

Also, I haven't been reading that children's book ...
And I haven't been cooking lately, either ... I'm not that far behind on schedule yet, but I really should be doing that again soonish ... Oh well, just cook two times next week and I'm ahead of schedule again ... not too much of a problem.

In some brighter news, I have decided that I should actually start on doing stuff some more. I started out "OK" tuesday by continueing // brushing up my knowledge of "C". ( "C" being a programming language ... not used all that much anymore, but it is considered to be one of the most mainstream ones ... and not too bad to start out with.) ... and I should be getting some other things done, too ... made a list of sorts, even ...

Oh well ...

Argh ! ...

Just me being all fed up with myself ... for not blogging, for not doing other stuff ... for ... whatever ...

~sigh~ ... Oh well ... Anyway, last couple of days I've been 'busy' playing a pirated copy of WCIII ... it's a good game, I guess. Think I should feel a bit guilty about not paying for it, though, it being new and all ... Oh well, I won't be able to play on-line with it because of the piracy, but I wasn't really planning on doing that anyway. So ... *shrugs* ... Last night I got bored with the fighting and doing all the stuff, but was still interested in the story, so I looked up some cheats and finished the next 4 levels or so using some god-mode. I feel lame now. I should go and replay 'em properly ... soonish ...

In other news that really made me put a downer on my self-image for today is that I managed to miss an appointment at college with the supervisor (don't know the english name, so I'm making one up) about how // what I'm going to do the rest of the school year ... Drop out completely or put it on an official "Hold" or ... whatever ... had an appointment at 10:00 am, sort-of-woke up in time, but dozed off and didn't wake up untill 10:12, so I called and said I would be late // couldn't make it. Re-scheduled the talk for next monday. Missing that appointment made me go all "...", and made me crawl back into bed till 14:04 ...

Also, I was / am supposed to visit my grandmother sometime soonish ... she's in the hospital now, due to a broken leg (well, something like that ... don't know enough terms to describe it properly) ... and she'll has to stay in bed for a couple of weeks. And I haven't exactly let her hear from me yet, and I was kinda planning to do that this week ...

And, ofcourse, I'm also fed up about not blogging about all kinds of other older stuff, and the longer I wait the worse it will get. And they're real important stuff, too ...

Oh well ... I'll be fine ... just ...

*thinks about taking a shower and going for a walk and maybe buy some stuff at the store*

Monday, September 23, 2002

mmmmmmm ... Must get more from what I got tonight ...

sleep gooooooooooooooooooooood ....

Hrmmm ...
*very tired*
(and cold!)

Friday, September 20, 2002

[POSTPONING OTHER URGENT STUFF I HAVE TO WRITE DOWN]
[Guess what ? .. I don't care]
(wait, I do, nevermind, still postponing it)

I don't want to know my phone bill next month ...
I really, really don't ...

I don't call people that much ... and my bill usually stays around the €4 mark ... not sure if that's for one or two months ... I think two. So, yeah, I don't call people that much.

So, what did I do, you ask ? ...
I made a long distance call. I called June, in Malaysia, from this here place, in The Netherlands ... there's a 6-hour time difference, and it's on the other hemisphere ... so ... that'd make the distance about ... 1/3 of the earth ? ... That's long-distance alright. And the conversation lasted for about 9 minutes ... so ...

As I said, I don't want to know my next phone bill ...

...

...

Wait, actually, I /DO/ want to know ...
So guess what I just did ? ... I looked up the rates.

The Netherlands -> Malaysia : €0.48/minute.

14:14:40	end of call, local time

14:05:20	start of call, local time

--------

00:09:20	calling time, give or take 10 seconds

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

So, I'm wondering why I'm not writing this stuff down ... it's some very important stuff, and yet ...

Egh, well, latest update here, mostly 'bout today or whatever ... Dang, it really, really needs that backstory, I guess, even though I don't think they're that related, but still ... Humph ...

Anyway, I haven't been doing much, if anything, the last couple of days ... I didn't go to college yesterday, and I didn't go today, either. ~sigh~ ... And I'm not really sure why. I'm just in one of those 'nothingness'-dips or whatever. Doing nothing and feeling kinda bad about that, resulting in doing even less. ... Heh, oh well ... Tried walking it off some time ago, but it didn't really work (really didn't) ... At least got some fresh air, though. Also, college's been bugging me more about my decision of going through with it or not. ... Last time, I said I was just going to, but now ... ? I'm not sure. I totally lack the motivation currently, and well ... continueing this year and not making it would be quite disasterous. Financially, mostly, but it'd be a mental downfall as well ... I mean, really, I would've wasted two years... I mean, sure, quitting now would mean I'd have wasted about 1½ years, but still, I did learn quite a bit of stuff, at least concerning independancy, and I did get a look at some other ... stuff ... Also, it'd mean I'd probably have to get a job or so untill next year (I am going to study something, I know I'm not ready for a full-time job, not by far) ... so financially, that'd be ... better ... Hum ... not sure if I could keep this room, though ... But I think for half a year, or ¾ years, it wouldn't be that bad, as long as I intend to go back to studying after that.

But basicly ... I do not know, nor care ...

~sigh~

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote anything ...

I already had a backlog of stuff to write about, and now ... Well, let's just say a lot happened the last couple of days ... Definatly stuff I have to write down, but ... hum, still don't feel like writing it down that much. Haven't had much problems talking (through MSN//ICQ/AIM) to people about it, but I'm just not used to writing on this thing anymore. Hum ... well ...

Anyway, a lot has happened, and I don't really know where to start. Or maybe I do, but just don't feel like it. Egh ... So uhm ... Well, I think I'm going to watch some movie with my house-roomies this evening again ... So uh ... well, take care people, and bug me about writing down new stuff or ... or ... or I might not write it down !

*gasps*

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

post to be edited

[edit #1 - sept 17]
Yeah ... well .... I dunno what, really ... I think this was a big date ... lot of stuff ... just felt like I should post something about that/this day, but ... meh, I haven't been writing at all, really ... so ... hum .... maybe later, when I'm done writing the other new stuff

Monday, September 09, 2002

Follow-up on last week's saturday entry (31st of August)

So, I called at about 5 past 10 pm ... there was no-one to pick it up, though. Got some voicemail message. Didn't feel like leaving a message. Had already more-or-less given up on the idea, when about half an hour later she appeared on-line. Wheeee ! Then, I did one of the boldest things I've ever done in my life. I told her to go open the door, set my MSN status to "Be Right Back", I got up from my seat, walked downstairs, picked up the "Card" and flower/plant, didn't bother to say "bye" to my younger brothers watching TV, left the house through the front door, almost-closed it and walked diagonally across the street and rang the doorbell on Elise's house.

Sure, might sound like 'nothing', but I'm a real passive person, I'm very unfamiliar with taking action ... so, yeah, for me, it was 'something' ... I should do it more often though. Taking action, that is. Be the protagonist at times. It'd be good for me. Heh ... Oh well, I'll try.

Now, I expected to be back in a minute or two, just dropping off the "card" and flower/plant and continueing the conversations on MSN. Evident by the "Be Right Back" on MSN, leaving the front door open, and not notifying my brothers where I was. (Was home-alone with the two of 'em, Mom and my sisters were away for the weekend) ... But Elise had other plans ... My initial startledment and hesitation when she asked me to come inside were kinda justified, but it surely wasn't an offer I could refuse.

When I left the next day (HEY ! ... 0:14 am ... don't get any ideas ...) I was one (1) self-burned CD (with a Birthday card in HTML-format on it, and the rest filled with MP3's I had laying around) and one (1) plant in a blueish-purple-violet pot (I'm colorblind, Elise, help me out here, will you ? ) poorer, and a whole bunch ( many ) of stories about her introduction weeks, one (1) look at her room and one (1) smile richer.

Back home nothing had changed, the front door was still open, and my brothers were still watching TV.

Anyway ... A couple of days later, we named the plant, and dubbed it "El Enrico", anagrammed from Elise's second name.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Waaaaah ! :-(

www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com is down ... that site was funny !

*sniffles*

Oh, yes, more non-completely silly stuff coming up next. (I hope... yell at me if I'm not writing)

Friday, September 06, 2002

Well, internet's back ... MSN is acting up again, though... Oh well ...
Laundry's in the laundry-machine ... waiting for it now ... Didn't much understand anything that was written on it, but I think I got the right settings ... (had to double check with my mom, though)

Hum ... so ... hmmm ... I think there's more stuff to write ... but ... meh. later

Some months ago, before the summer break already, I started reading some children's book. "Toen Nora nog sprak met dolfijnen", which would translate into "When Nora still spoke with dolphins". Meant for readers 10 years old and up.

Now there's some back-story to this book. It was handed out back in elementary school, I was 10, I think. The story in the book is about a family coping with CF, cystic fybrosis, a particualary nasty disease. Genetically transferable, (non-dominant gene) and concerns mostly thick slime in the lungs. One of my classmates, and one of my best real-life friends, was suffering from it, (Still is, thank God, it's not common to live that long with CF, most die young.) and through some channels with the hospital and some medicine producers and stuff, the book was made freely available for my class.

I feel a bit guilty about not reading it back then, so I guess I'm now trying to make up for that. I'm still not sure why I didn't read it before, I suppose I didn't read much back then, and maybe I didn't read it because I was supposed to read it. Still, weird that it had to take me this long to pick it up again.

Currently on page 65/142, and it's a pretty good book. I'm taking it slow with it, not especially on purpose, but ... Well, I'm not sure why it's taking me so long. It's written in a easy style, the font is rather large, and 142 pages isn't quite that much either ... Although the style is rather easy, I would not consider it to be a childish book. Sure, it has some parts of that youthfull innocence and enthusiasm, but that's just part of it. Characters are deep, or at least, seem real. And it's got a bunch of drama as well, not just some "youths out on an adventure". Also, as a plus, it has dolphins, depicted as intelligent, mysterious creatures ... (I like dolphins.) The style is easy, but it doesn't read as a children's book. Maybe the fact that this book was the author's first book intended for younger audiences plays some part in that. Overall, it's a warm, but sad, book. One to remember, I'd say.

Short day today at college. Had a computerized test about Systems Engineering. Scored a respectable 75% ... (that's pretty good, especially if you consider that the average for this test was about 50% or lower. It was a nasty one.) ... still, System Engineering sucks ... Well, IMHO, ofcourse, but still ...

Seems like they've put up some rule about not being able to use the HZ-PC's for personal usuage between 8:00 and 18:00 (HZ = Hogeschool Zeeland // High School Zealand, the college/university/whatever I'm attending) ... Well, I'm sure it's a rule that won't be too strictly enforced, but ... dang ... kind of sucks. Especially now that the local LAN is experiencing some problems again, and I'm unable to post this stuff on my blog untill I get internet access back. Shouldn't take too long, though. Not that it matters. In more independance-related talk, Mom told me I'm going to have to do my own laundry. I mean ... uh ... sure. There's a washer and dryer just 5 feet from my bed (in the bathroom), and I have a bit of experience with doing the laundry at home-home. Still, it's a bit scary. ... Also, I think I'm a bit nuts. *looks at plastic crate filled with neatly folded dirty clothes*

Thursday, September 05, 2002

TO board is back .... yay ! .. I missed it ... *sniffles*
Also, just done with house-cleaning ... gave a good soaping (?) to the toilet, floor, and washbasin, and vacuumed the hall as well ...
Now I'm going to take a shower myself ... After that, more scht00pid studying, and I suppose I could try and write some more, too ...

In some other news ... sad news, that is, The Order's board is down. Has been since yesterday, I believe ...
I miss my "home on the web" ... Oh well, it should be up again soonish ... still ... I miss it every time I'm browsing through my "Favourites" folder, automatically click on it and wait to see some error ... *sniffles*

But, as I said, it should be back up and running soon. At least, I hope so ...

Well, I'm back at my student-home in Flushing. Have been since last monday. I suppose things are fine ... just been unable to push myself to write again ... Only way to start writing again is by doing it ... and ... well, it's hard. I'm just going to have to get used to writing again. Well .. uh, I think I've written that about 10 times before already ... so uh ...

Anyway, I'm back in Flushing. Some things changed, but it's mostly the same as how I left it a couple of months ago. The two guys on my floor moved one floor down, and there's two (new) girls on my floor now. They're ok. Also, it's still very hot on my room during summer-time. I'm on the top floor (up 3 stairs), and have this one big-ass window on the south, which cannot be opened, and one small window next to it that can be opened, but not that far, and it's a small window. *pfffft* ... well, today's OK ... but I wasn't feeling too great yesterday. Although I'm not sure if it was strictly heat-related. Maybe I just caught some virus or something ... Well, let me start at the start. Monday : back to school. After some introductionary classes I got go home. From what I found on my room, it was obvious that a certain animal had spent some time there in my absence. A cat. Yes, cats are nice. I like cats. There were loads of muddy paw-prints on the desk, hairs on my bed, and some more muddy paw-prints on the wall beneath that small window. I thought it kinda cute, although I don't think my roommates shared that notion. ( "Ew, juck." ) ... Sleeping that night was kinda troublesome, though, I had a coughing fit. I hadn't changed the sheets, (Hey, I had only slept on it once before. Even though that was back in July ...) and I'm guessing I should have. Coughs and shortness of breath had soon taken it's toll on me, and made me flee from the room to the balcony one floor down, to get some fresh air. Didn't help much, once I start on that shortness-of-breath thing, it stays for a while. After about half an hour or so, I thought it ready to return to my room. Then I did change the sheets, and after some more time of coughing and wheezing, I fell asleep, only to wake up early again for a class that started at 8:15, which I wasn't supposed to attend. Back in my room, looking around at all the dust that had accumulated in those months, I decided it was time for some vacuum cleaning. And so it happened that at Tuesday 9:35 am, september 3rd, 2002, for the very first time since I had taken occupation of the room in februari, I was vacuuming my room. Possibly waking up some roomies in the process. So far, I haven't had a second coughing fit. That evening, the house got together and watched some ripped movie on a PC. Nurse Betty ... it was ... uh ... well .. I dunno. Kinda weak, lame ...

But, as I said earlier, that wasn't the end of my health problems. Wednesday, attending some class, I started feeling kinda weak. Headache, lightheaded, bit dizzy, and just weak/tired. Thankfully, I just had 2 hours of classes, but on the not-so-bright-side, I had to cook for the house that evening, and spending some time on my over-heated, stuffy (even though I vacuumed) room, didn't help much. So I spent some more time on the balcony outside the kitchen. After that, still not feeling too great, I decided I'd better get out and go out and buy the stuff I needed to cook dinner with. Still undecided on what I was going to cook, I spent about an hour walking back and forth through the airconditioned supermarket. Not that that helped my ailment. It was *cold* there, and I thought about dropping to the floor a few times. (although the urge wasn't that strong. Heh.) ... I eventually decided upon spaghetti, something I have quite a bit experience with. I don't think it came out quite as good as other times, but it was edible ... That night, part of the house got together again, and this time we watched Thirteen Ghosts. In quality, probably a better movie than Nurse Betty ... but still, not overly deep. Was a pretty scary (and gross) horror movie, with a bit of slapstick-kind humor. Story wasn't too deep, though, and most characters were kind of bland. Although I'll give 'em credit for having a quite realistic main character. Good-guy, 'family man', but not (even close to) perfect in that sense, and that's rare to see in movies.

Which brings us to today. No classes today, although I have some stuff to study for tomorrow. Also, I feel a bit dirty, so I'm going to take a shower soonish ... Speaking of dirty ... so is the house, and that's being fixed up today as well ... So yeah, I've got toilet-cleaning duty. ... Better than kitchen-cleaning duty, though, there's a whole layer of filth on that floor. (literaly ! ... it's all dark.)

Well, that's about it ..

... See, now, writing that wasn't too hard ... starting it was hard, but once I started, it went easy. *makes another mental note telling me to "Just DO it" ... * ... Now, let's see if I can write down some more stuff before calling it a day.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Gah ! ... MSN is down ...
Well, that, or it's the LAN ... or maybe just my computer, but MSN don't work too well anymore on this PC now ...

*sniffles*

... Oh, and I've got bunches to write about, but I'm procastrinating again ...

Saturday, August 31, 2002

Well, I'm slacking again ... Oh well ... Heh.

So ... recap of what I wanted to write the 23rd : Elise's birthday. I actually had the nerve to phone her. Took a few tries that day because her celluar was turned off, but I got lucky later on ... Talked to her for 5 minutes, 36 seconds ... Well, maybe I should rephrase that into "She talked to me for about 5 minutes", since after I told her "Happy Birthday" and asked how things were, I didn't have too much else to say. She did, though, and told me quite a bit about how things went on and all ... How mobile phones were 'banned' most of the time, how it was really tiring, and sometimes kinda gross, but still all good fun. And how the second week was supposedly more fun and less straining. (Hope that was the case) And how she found a room, and how the housekeeper was a creep ... and probably quite a bit more I don't remember this instant.

( And no, I didn't keep track of that 5:36. The phone did it all by itself ... Shame on me for remembering that for over a week, though ) ... hum

Well .. that was part of that entry .. don't really remember what else was in there ... hum...

Also, I made her some sort of birthday card. Well, I was still working on it that day. Wanted to add some more stuff too, though, on a burned CD and I didn't quite get around to finishing all that that day. To be perfectly honest, it took me till today to put the final touches on it. I'll say that the excuse "She wasn't going to be home untill now anyway" is a valid one, even though it's still an excuse. *hangs head in shame*

I hear she's supposedly home this evening, so I'm semi-anxious now. I know I shouldn't be, but ... meh, can't really help it. So, if I can work up the nerve to call again, and verify she's home, I'll go hop over and bring her her sort-of-card-thingie ...

Otherwise, I suppose I could wait till tomorrow ... Don't really want to, though, so I guess I'll go call now ...

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Well... finally decided to start writing again.
Took a while...

Well, before I rewrite my last post that blogger messed up oh-so-horribly, (currently writing this in notespad) I'll start on some new stuff or subjects ...

School ... or college ... whatever it's called, it starts again next week. And I don't know who/what/where/why ... nor do I really care. I'm sort-of repeating last year's courses. Or at least, that was the intention. I haven't recieved anything from the school yet, no schedule, whatever. Not sure if I'm registered properly and such, so that's something I supposedly have to figure out and fix. Thing is, I honestly don't care, whatsoever.

I don't want to do this year over again. I'm OK at it, but it's boring, and I think I'm actually becoming intolerant to those electronics. ... I know this is not what I want to do later.

On the other hand, I have no idea what else I'd like to study ... I do not want to go out and start working just like this. Also, I do not want nothing. Yes, that's right. There's nothing I want, and that 'nothing' includes doing nothing, 'cos that'd be one of the worst things to ... do. (hum ?)

'sides, my mom'd kick me out if I'd do 'nothing'. And yeah, I've got my room in the student room ... but if I'm not studying anything, I'll be kicked out of that place pretty soon, too. Heh. So 'nothing' is definatly not an option.

Staying home and getting a job this year ... (and postpone education another year) ... Well ... no, one, because I'm not ready for a full-time job, secondly, because I don't think I could take living here (home-home) anymore. Not that I'm so used to my independance, or whatever ... just that ... I dunno ... it wouldn't be good.

So, I guess I'm stuck with Electromechanics for this year... I mean, it's not too bad, if only I'd know I'd be doing it for something ... I mean, if I finish the first year, I'd get my 'propedeuse' (dutch word, can't find the english one). Which would allow me to go to some university or whatever. Still, that's hardly a goal to strive for if I don't have any plans for it. Heck, ever since "Philosophy" rolled out of some on-line test, it seems like people around me who know I don't want to continue my current education, think I do want to follow philosophy ... And I'd need a 'propedeuse' for that. So that I could simply 'do' this year because it'd allow me to follow my true 'path' or whatever. But I don't know ... It's just an idea, and I really don't think I'd want that, either. So yeah, how about just using this year to orientate myself and try and find out what I do want this year ? ... Well, thing is, I need some sort of motivation to pull me through this year. I don't have any, and I've burned up all my reserves in the past bunch of years, with my headache, and I didn't have a goal back then, either ... So I'm semi-stuck. But, yeah ... I'm just going to do this year ... it'll suck, but I don't really see any less sucky options ...

Now, there's also the money factor. ... I don't know if I reached my quota for government funding last year, really ... (It'd suck a lot if I didn't.) So ... well, there's some insecurity about that. And there's some plans about me getting a side-job the first half-year, because I did practically finish the first semester ... But I don't feel like working, (even though it'd be better than doing 'nothing') maybe because I never had a job before ... and maybe also because I'm still a complete stranger to money. I know what it does, I can give some 'ok' estimates at it's value, but I can't handle it. (No, I'm not spending it all... maybe that's the entire point) ... I never really used money for anything. So, sure, I pay the rent for my student apartment ... well, no, not really. I haven't looked at my bank account for months ... I'm just assuming everything's fine, because I don't care ... So, basicly, money is meaningless to me. I don't see the value of having a job, expressed in money, because I don't really care about money. ... So ... yeah, I guess that's something that's going to have to change, too. There's a lot of things I have to do, although they're all really the same.

Become more 'wordly', shed the innocence. Maybe just "Grow up". Guess I'm a bit late getting into puberty. (19, now) ... Heck, and I thought I'd skipped it. I see myself as pretty much more mature than a lot of other people my age, (and older, and younger, ofcourse) ... but maybe that's just because puberty hasn't come along in it's full glory yet, to turn me into some immature teenager. ... ~sigh~ ... On the other hand, I think that, if it indeed is coming, I'll be able to hang on to myself. I've never changed myself or my appearance to be part of the group, to be respected, to be loved ... And I'll be damned if I start now. I'll retain my innocence, my 'goody-two-shoes' feelings, or whatever you'd like to call it. I'll stay me. But yeah, I could use a dose of 'wordlyness' to aid me coping with this world.

Heck, I'll need that help, unless I can find some shelter, somewhere, to protect me from the big bad world. Thing is ... I don't even want that. Sure, it's scary ... but it's something I have to face.

~sigh~ ... well, here's to nostalgia about carefree childhood.

I don't know how, or where, I'll get the energy/motivation to make this year ... but I'll do it. Just because there's nothing else to do ...

Friday, August 23, 2002

BLOGGER ! BE DAMNED TO HELL !

Argh !!!!! ... I had a long, nice post here ... Good one, too ... nice, with some rants ... and stuff .. and ..... OOOOH ! I hate, hate, hate you right now, you bloody f*cking piece of damned junk ! ... I poured a lot into that message, and it just decides to give an error posting it, and on top of that, it screws up on using the 'back' function, so I can't retrieve any of it either ...

*sigh* ...

maybe I'll see about rewriting this message in a couple of days ... I hope I will, because I said quite a bit here ... but I'm really not up to it now ...

*hangs head* ....

*feels kinda down now* ... no, it's not that bad .. just ... damn you, blogger ... I'm not trusting you, ever, anymore ... just notepad writing from now on. Only copy/pastes for you ... ... bastard ...

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

More archiving problems ...
I'm thinking about just making some hand-made links ...
Although that'd probably mess up some other things ...

Well, the peoples over at winamp.com were nice enough to upload my skin ...
Got a fair, rating too ... not the original full 5 stars that I got 2½ years ago (but was lost in some database, and afterwards reset to 3½ stars for some reason) but a 4½ on average, anyway ...

So go grab it here if you (still) use Winamp 2.x ...
Link over at the left side of the screen should be updated, too ...

Oh yes, and I said I had stuff to write about ... Dunno why I'm not doing it ... maybe later today ...
... Well, oh, alright ... here's a short version, not sure if I'm going to bother with anything more, though ...

• Got a network set up, kinda ... just a parallel port connection. it's kinda slow, and it lags the computer whenever I copy files from one PC to the other.


• So I kind of sorted out all my MP3's ... Hurray ! ... All 191 of 'em ... *hangs head in shame for the low number*


• Who said PC's get faster and better over time ? ... 's real funny, though, the new PC lags a lot more under the parallel port connection ... This one just slows down a bit, the other pretty much screams for mercy under it's strain.


• Elise is gone for another two weeks ... well, just 1½ weeks now, I guess ... but ... anyway .. Egh, I kind of miss her ... as expected, 'course. ... She might not even be home on her birthday next friday ..


• That reminds me, still got to get her something ... she asked for a card and flowers/plants on her blog ... ... hum ... Don't know much about flowers ... anyone got a suggestion ? (heh) ...


• Been talking to quite a bunch of people on-line ... well, not overly much, but .. egh.


• My Sis made me rip another whole batch of songs from a couple of her CD's ... 110 tracks in total, it turned out.


• Was kinda fun watching the difference in 'ripping' speed between these two PC's ... this one was around 3.5 x speed, the new PC ripped at 10x speed at times ...


• I think I like about 25% of those songs ... hate about that amount, too ... pretty indifferent to the other 50% ... still gotta sort all those out, though. But I did get 'em all named properly. ... took some time, too

Sunday, August 18, 2002

Hum ... having some problems getting the Archives to show up as a link ...
GAH ! ...
I'll try and go fix it ...

In other news, there's a few things to tell, I suppose, but ... meh ... I'll get to that later, I guess ...

[edit] wheee ! ... more trying [/edit]
[edit2] This thing is getting on my nervers [/edit2]
[edit3] Oh, looky, it's in their Troubleshooting area ... now lets see if it works now [/edit3]
[edit4] It's better work ! ... if not, I'll ... I'll ... do .... something ! ... yeah, that's right ... I'll do something [/edit4]
[edit5] Hum ... seems like the problem's not exclusive to my blog .. it's a bit unstable all-over, I believe ... [/edit5]
[edit6] Not sure if it works now, really ...[/edit6]

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Eh-heh-heh ... Oh dear, my sleeping schedule is really, really messed up.

Let me start at yesterday. It was getting semi-late, and I hadn't really had any proper dinner yet. Semi-late pretty soon turned into late, working on my winamp skin (finished now ! Wahoo !), and that soon turned into really-late ... Too late for dinner. Too late for that pizza in the fridge that had to be eaten soonish ... So I decided to try and get some sleep. ... Tried that for about an hour. And it didn't work. So I took a shower, and at about 7 am I felt fresh as whatever ... Spent some time reading Catch-22, decided, "oh, well, what the hell", and make that pizza anyway. Now as breakfast (something I haven't had for weeks) instead of dinner. ... Shortly after that, the tiredness came back though, and decided, around 11 am, to take a short nap on the couch. And suddenly it was half past 5, pm. Whoops !

But anyway, my winamp skin is finally done. PIPBoy 2000 Audio Player V1.3.0 ... Final version for Winamp 2.x

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Oh, yes, and I'm home-alone, again ... Till sunday, probably.

... And I remember wanting to write about a few more semi-related subjects last night ... but I wouldn't for the life of me know what they were about anymore ... Oh well ...

Started working on my winamp skin again ...

Been over 2 and a half years since I last touched that thing. Made some smallish updates to it now ...
Included an AVS window, and made some other, minor changes ...

Still stumped over what to do to about a few things, but I should be done and ready with it soon. I'll make sure to let you all know where to download it once it gets uploaded somewhere ... (don't have a webpage to upload it to anymore)

Monday, August 12, 2002

Well ... I guess it's about time to write about it ... I mean, I know I've postponed subjects before. And this one's really just a day old or so ... But I wanted to write about it yesterday already. And I tried to. but failed. Furthest I got was writing down some dots with some mumbling .. Think I've let it sink in enough now.

Well, Newsflash : Elise broke up with her boyfriend.

... Well, I'm not jumping with joy ... I certainly am not ...

I mean, in a way, ofcourse I'm not. It's never really that nice to hear about such things, and especially if you really care about one or both of 'em. On the other hand ... I can't help but think that I should, in some egocentric, selfish way, feel somewhat happy about it. Or that some sort of lift would've been lifted from me. But none of that. Then again, her boyfriend never was the 'obstacle' that stood in my//our way. At least I never saw him as such. Now, don't get me wrong. Don't think that I saw their relationship as merely a temporary thing. Heck, if they'd gotten married in some years or so, even then, I would not blame him for anything. "stealing my woman", my ass. She never was mine, probably never will be, and he didn't have anything to do with it. ... ... Egh ... I could continue this, but there's really nothing new to add to this. I've said these things here before, and no use in repeating 'em. I was about ready to describe the situation between me and Elise, again. Go read some earlier posts if you forgot or something ...

Anyway, my blog, my feelings. So let me get started on those. ... Even though I'm not really in the same mood as yesterday. Actually, at this moment, I'm feeling kinda energized. (Sleeping schedule still soooooo horrible f'ed up) ...So sorry if this all doesn't really come out the way it's supposed to be. ... heh ... well, it's draining already ... don't think I just ate any sugar or something that could've caused that ... but ... meh. ...

Oh yes, before trailing off ... again ... I read it on her blog yesterday evening ... and I'm still not really sure how I felt then ... I mean ... I know how it felt, how it still feels when I think about it. (even though not as intense) ... it's heavy. A heavy feeling, bit depressed even. Physically 'heavy', too ... as if skin on the front of my torso just multiplied in weight. From about mid-way around my breast, down to my navel, it feels as if it suddenly got a larger gravitational pull ... All in all, pretty weird, I guess ...

Well, as she said ... ... Well, I'm not really sure if I can explain what she wrote in her blog that well ... I'd copy/paste it if it wasn't in dutch ... so ... uhm ... here it is, shoddely translated into english .... Now just hope she will forgive me mangling her writing ... *g*

[ This afternoon I probably did one of the hardest things in my entire life. I broke up with Huib. For eight months we were boy- & girlfriend, but lately things it didn't went all that well anymore. The moment had come to put an end to it.

For most people this will be a big surprise. Let's leave it at wether this is positive or negative. Some probably had already felt it coming, considering the questions that were asked at certain moments. It isn't a decision that was made from one moment to the other. I had been carrying it around for a while, and Wietske and I have spent two days sorting it all out.

The conclusion was actually inevitable. We broke up as friends and can undoubtedly well spend time in each other's company without pulling out the bats to pound each other's skull in. He remains a nice guy. Just not "my" guy ... ]

Well, there you have it. That pretty much stumped me. After getting past that first ... 'surge' of that weird feeling I already described, and re-reading it some hour later or so, I started wondering wether or not I was part of those 'some' people who had felt it coming.

During our talks, her relationship with Huib was pretty much off-limits. We just didn't talk about that. Nor did we ever talk all that much about my feelings for her. (I guess she gets a fair dosage of that reading my blog, though) Pretty much because, as I'm sure you understand, it's a pretty uncomfortable subject between us. So we tend to avoid it.

Well, at least, it's a somewhat uncomfortable subject for me. It's been one of those things I've been meaning to ask her. How she handles it. If she minds whenever I hint at loving her during our MSN chats, if she can take it as a compliment, or if she feels guilty about it. She once said she was afraid of hurting me. So if hurting me would hurt her, it'd hurt me even more. So I tried to stay clear of it as much as possible, not having to put her in a situation to hurt herself by hurting me. Well, that, or I'm just a wuss and afraid of being hurt myself.

Some time ago, though, the subject concerning their relationship had popped into my mind. And it'd gotten a some more pressing lately. I'm not exactly why I wanted to ask it. Conscious reasons would be that she didn't mention him that often on her blog. Something I certainly would do if I had a girlfriend. (Just look at how much I'm writing down about Elise already... Sheesh ... Then again, I guess it's easier to write a lot about unrequited love than writing a lot about a steady relationship.) Because she 'never' mentioned him in our talks. But it was more of an overal feeling that I had to ask why she didn't write about him as much than that it was an intellectual question. Why I didn't ask ? ... Well, I look up. But then again, maybe I was afraid of the anwser, too. As I said, she said she was afraid of hurting me. And she knows I read her blog pretty reguarly. Maybe that she avoided that subject as rigourously as I did. Even though I had made her promise me that she would not refrain from doing things because of me. If that had been the case, I would have had to remind her of that promise.

I should've known better though. And I just should've asked it. It had been really pressing me to ask about it, and I knew, no, felt there was something with it. Without really a good basis for feeling that. And, as I've said before, I can be a real wuss. So every time we talked on-line, I convieniently forgot, or chickened out.

Skipping back some bit, when first reading the news, I was also, somewhere, afraid that I might've had something to do with the break-up. Because of the "I'm afraid to hurt you"-thing. But it didn't really last that long. My first urge was to contact that friend and make her assure me it didn't have anything to do with me. Didn't really have the opertunity to talk to her about it untill earlier today, at which time that fear had pretty much vanished completely. Again, I should've known better. She's too smart to let some guy 'half-way-across-the-street' mess up a perfectly good relationship.

... At least, that's my version. Haven't heard her version quite just yet, because she's away for the rest of the week. Heh, she sure knowns how to give out some news and then skip town for a week. (Unrelated, by the way) ... I just hope I'm right.

Dang, I'm going to miss talking to her. But I'll manage.

Again, skipping back, talking about weird feelings in advance based on 'nothing' ... I felt pretty weird saturday-sunday night ... had trouble sleeping, again, (as more-or-less expected since my schedule's still f'ed up) and I felt pretty weird overall ... Didn't really pay that much attention to it, though. But it was, kinda, the same 'strangeness' that I felt (still feel) about the break-up ... And, even more so, looking back to late november last year, I remember having a major depression the day before they they got together. (after which I spent a week semi-depressed with an genuine smile on my face) ... course, it doesn't have to mean anything ... it's not like I never feel strange when I can't sleep, nor is was it too strange that I was depressed back in november, because I did know she was having a date that day. ... still kinda weird, though.

All in all, as a conclusion, I am now, consciously, going to trust my feelings some more. I'd already known they were pretty trustworthy ... but .. egh, I'm too timid, too passive to act on 'em as most of the time. I intend to change that. Just open up some more. I already started that quite some time ago, though ... still, it's been going way slow, and I'm not there yet. Not even close.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Decided to start reading Catch-22 again. It's a gooooooood book.

Just gave a glance over today's TV guide ... Seems like one of those movies I had taped (currently in Elise's possesion) is on tonight. The Remains of the Day is imho, one of the kindest love stories I ever saw ...

So for any other dutchies reading this, go watch it, if you like that kind of movies. (Check your own TV-guide, I don't really feel like writing out some sypnosis, or whatever.)

Uhm ... I'm guessing that's it for now ...

Saturday, August 10, 2002

Oh looky, looks like I can't sleep ...

I mean, I tried ! ... I really did ...

*sigh ... I'll go try again ...

I did something stupid this evening ... not that I learned from my mistake, 'cos I'm currently in the process of repeating it.

I drink too much ... well, maybe not too much overall, but at least I'm capable of drinking too much in too short a time on occasion. And that's what I did this evening ... (Ofcourse, I'm talking about drinking water, here ... ) Drank about 2 litres of the non-carbonated tap water in under 30 minutes. And that was just a little bit too much for my stomach to take, so I started feeling pretty nauseated. And it even actually hurt for a while, too. That was a couple of hours ago ... and now, at this very moment, I'm on my way to litre #3, and might make #4 if someone doesn't stop me before long ...

In other news, I'm kinda paranoid about the first comment posted two entries below. I'm not familiar with the nickname "The Explorer", and well, I dunno, it's just kinda weird getting comments from random strangers ... Maybe it's not really a random stranger though, just someone using different name. And if I'm to believe the MS-DOS funtion tracert, the IP's from The Netherlands ... (my own country ... ). *shrugs*

*starts humming the X-files theme*

Also, Elise was troubled by writer's block this evening ... I know how irritating not being able to write anything down can be. Here's to hoping that she'll be past it by tomorrow.

... Oops, and that was 4 litres ...

Friday, August 09, 2002

As a last little side note before finally getting some sleep, I'm going to have to remind myself that I have to write a letter to June. She more-or-less made me promise it, and the poor girl's cut off from the internet for a couple months now. Writing that letter (and I'm no good at letters) is the least I could do.

Egh ... I'm kinda tired.

Before I continue on those subjects I wanted to write down about 24 hours ago, I'll go rant some about today (thursday). Didn't get to write that much earlier today because I haven't been on-line from 3 to 11 pm ... spent some time with a real-life friend ... Yeah, I have those, amazing, no ? ... Was a more-or-less unexpected visit, and he invited me over for dinner, too. Had some fun. Played a bit of video games here, and I got some views, and almost completed the tutorial, of WarCraft III. Looks like a good game. Talked about some things as well, and that's about it.

Also, my family's back again. So I'm not home-alone anymore. *shrugs* ... They're not too overly happy with the current PC set-up, as expected, but ... Meh =P

So, to start with the first subject I wanted to write down, it's one I've been meaning to write down for a month or so, but first popped into my mind a few months before that already. I have no idea why I haven't written it down before, because ... well, there's nothing too much about it. ... right, well, writing about how I wanted to write this down before but couldn't this is probably not doing any good. Except to get your curiosity up, which I isn't exactly needed all that much .. Yet, still I'm writing this intro, because of whatever reason I don't even wanna know. Maybe because I think I might not even be able to write it down, even though, as I said, it's nothing too great or important and ... [Gerko, quit stalling] ... Oh, yes, right.

My youngest sister is getting awfully big. Well, I mean, I dunno. She turned 10 years old little over two weeks ago. And yet, ofcourse, she's still so small ... a whole lot bigger than 4 years ago or whatever ... but ... Anyway, she's young .. real young ... And suddenly, a couple of months ago, I just realized that she is about the same age that Elise was when I first fell in love with her. ... I'm pretty sure she was still only 9 years old back then ... (although I could be off by one year. I don't exactly have that great a grasp of time) ... Now, before you start calling me a pedophile for falling in love with a 9 year old, remember that I was just 10 myself. ... So young, the both of us, really ... And yet, it doesn't feel as if I was all that young, or that she was. I don't know. Or I just don't know what to say about it ... just that ... ... Well, how you experience the age you're at yourself is somewhat screwy. That, or the other way around, that we judge people by age while not taking into account how you felt when you were that age. As if you simply forget. I think that might be closer to the truth ... You just forget to apply those memories when dealing with people significantly younger than yourself. 'Course, everyone's got their own memories and experiences, and they certainly aren't always compatible or appliable. And yeah, there's the overly famous "When I was your age ... " blah blah blah, but that one doesn't really count. That's different. ... I'm having some problems writing it down exactly into words, but I hope you can understand what I'm getting at.

But anyway, before this train of thought spins out of control, what I meant was that now, for the first time in those over 8 years, I realized how young we both were.
And I can't really help but feel a bit weird about it ...

[ Interlude : BLOGGER, YOU SUCK ! had to type everything below over again. ]

... Heh, now that I'm talking about Elise anyway, she came over yesterday evening (wednesday, I don't care what blogger says about it being friday) and we watched a movie. I'd invited her over because I still had four tapes laying around I find worth watching. Took some time for us to make up our mind about which one to watch, though. I'm horrible at making decisions, and if I'm to believe her, she's not that not really any better at it. After some 5 minutes of 'not caring' about what to watch, we decided upon As Good As It Gets, with Jack Nicholson. She'd seen part of it before, but because something had gone wrong while taping it, she'd only seen the first half of it. And seeing half a movie isn't really all that fun. Especially if it's the first half. So we watched that one.

After the movie, we exchanged 'gifts'. She gave me Imajica back, and I returned two small (dutch) books to her, along with the other 3 tapes we didn't watch, and my copy of Lord of the Rings. Now this might not sound like a fair trade, but I'll get my stuff back someday, and let's not forget the microwavable popcorn she had brought along. We didn't make any use of it because she had just had dinner. And we didn't think about it for the rest of the evening because of my genius of cutting out all the commercials on the tape. She insisted I keep it though. So now I'm saving it untill next time she drops by for a movie, or untill november 2003, the expiration date. Even though it's likely to be hijacked by one of my siblings in the nearer future.

... That was probably the closest thing to a 'date' I've ever had, and I'm guessing it will be the closest thing to that I'll ever have with her. Yeah, I know it's silly, stupid and whatnot, but I don't think I can really give up on her, or that little shimmering of hope that "maybe, someday". Not untill she's wearing someone else's wedding ring, or I find stumble upon someone else. ... I love her, and if that means deluding myself with that tiny shred of hope, then so be it ...

Please note that when I said "closest thing to a date", I meant "not even close". If a 'date' would be two points touching each other, and 'not really a date' would be two points about a meter apart, then in this situation the distance between those two points would be interplanetary =P

But, as I said before, we're friends. And beyond all my stupidity of not letting go of my love for her, I'm glad we are friends. And she's a great one.

After she left, I suddenly felt a bit queasy. But before I had let the thought that I might be lovesick get into my head, I realized my stomach was upset because I hadn't really had dinner yet. A problem easily fixed.